A fiddler on the roof...

I was awaken by a message from my mobile phone at 4:57 this morning...."Happy Birthday!" it was a greeting from my dear Bread who is now millions miles away from me.

It was a very simple, even ordinary message but what makes it different is that there is so much love in it. This started this very special day with fulfillment and happiness. I know that we are physically apart but there is a certain closeness that brings us together. We have not seen each other for three decades now but our frequent conversations have crossed the boundaries. He has literally filled the emptiness in me - made me smile when I am lonely, shared my joys, listened to my heartaches and awakened my imagination. So today, on my special day, I wish to thank the Lord for giving him back to me, at the lowest phase of my life.


This is indeed a day of thanksgiving for despite the many trials in my life, tribulations abound. I am thankful that my Creator.....
*has showered me with wonderful kids who made me feel I am the best mother in the world...
*never gave me friends with price tags because if He did, I would not have any friends today as I would not be able to afford the price...
*always gave me trials which made me even stronger and molded my character...
*brought enemies along the way to make me realize the value of loving not only the people who love me but those who refuse to love me as well...
*gave me wisdom and talent to bring a difference in other people's lives...

Without all these blessings...my life would be like that of a fiddler on the roof!!!!!

Not an Opium...

"This man lived a poor man's life and remained a pauper till his death!" I really felt bad as I was viewing this man inside the coffin, his full make up would not hide the sufferings he had gone through before he was locked in this box.
Onlookers, relatives and friends merely passed by him, simply speculating the cause of his death, his miserable life, his rift with some family members and other petty things about him. But I wondered, is there more to this man than all these petty talks?

During the few minutes I was watching his face, I felt some feeling of resistance. It was as if I was wrestling with God anew, asking Him why he had to allow this man to live and die a poor man? Has God missed His promise that He will not abandon His children? But has this man sought the Creator's intercession, in the first place? And if he ever did, was his heart and mind open enough to understand the answers to his prayers?

Since I reached my reasoning age, I have been wrestling with my Creator. This was not really an indication of my very little faith in Him, but sometimes, when I am faced with really difficult situations, I always ask Him "WHY".

The story of Job is the greatest paradigm of wrestling with God. His life gives a simple yet incisive teachings on suffering, undeserved suffering at that. At the start, he was afraid to question God for his agony but it was only after he lashed at God relentlessly, ruthlessly, painfully that Job learned to know God intimately. He left us a lesson that authentic faith grows not through unthinking submission but through the process of questioning and understanding.

During the darkest moments of my life, during those times when I was afraid and alone, I often felt like God was so far - far away, that I could not get hold of him, not even see his shadow. But I have learned that when I wrestle with God, He was closer to me than at any other times in my life.

As I matured, I realized that faith is not an opium to lull me to sleep, neither is it a way to break out from the realities of life. I recognized that most of the time, asking the question “why” was not about looking for meaning in a seemingly desperate situation. It was asking my Creator to do something for me, to take my cup of suffering away from me so I will not have to face them.

The reality of suffering invites us to wrestle with God, but in order to succeed, we must hope to lose. Only when we submit in humility can we finally see the light.

Until we MEET again, definitely not GOODBYE

Friends, acquaintances, relatives have been looking for me for the past few months. They all had one common question - via e-mails, texts, voice mails--
where am I... what happened?

I have not really been unattached with anyone, neither was I in hiatus, it just so happened that I have been too preoccupied coping with life - struggling to surpass this global economic meltdown.

My being out of touch was never an intention to detach myself from the world, more so my friends and the people really close to my heart. God really knows how much I would want to be with them even just to send them a note or chat with them. Unfortunately, things went south lately and I have to do double duty and set priorities and concentrate on my bread and butter.

I just hope that my friends will understand why they were at the last line of my priorities- I have a family to raise and being the head of he family, the responsibility is set on my shoulders. I do not want to turn my back because this is a responsibility I did not only choose but was handed over to me when I accepted the role of fatherhood.

Blame it all to this economic crunch - I have to make this great sacrifice. It really makes me feel bad not being able to talk and hang around with my friends. I honestly miss all the moments shared with them and of course those moments that I was not able to join. I will never forget these memories which definetely made a mark in my heart.

I do apologize to all of you whose e-mails and text messages I was not able to answer, but I swear I was able to read. My apologies too to my chat mates who have been haunting me and sending me offline messages but just the same, I have read but left unanswered. Even those who were trying to call me through my mobile phone, but heard nothing but my voice prompt, my apologies.

Rest assured, I will do my best to sneak out of my box from time to time and jump to your domain. This day is one of the rare opportunities yet I hope that this rarity will become more often. I swear I did not choose to live in this dark box neither do I have any intention to stay here for the rest of my life.

I'll get free - in no time. And when this freedom is finally granted, I will be back to my real self again - happy and bubbly. But until then, my dear friends, please try to understand as you remember - absence makes the heart go fonder. And for sure, with this long absence, you will appreciate me more! I'll keep you posted - so definitely this is not Goodbye...just goodnight!